I don’t want to live with all those thought in my head. All the unpoken words. The uncried tears. The unshared memories.
I think the hardest realization for me was that our love has been one-sided for such a long time. We were walking side by side in the same direction and then suddenly you walked into a side alley and left me all alone. I kept walking thinking you were there, next to me. But you weren’t.
And I gave it so much time and so much work and everything I did was so I could get close to you. And I thought that each day apart meant a day closer to the finish line. But it wasn’t. It was a day further away. I thought that if I could just fight through the sadness and the missing and the depression, it will be all worth it in the end. Because the end was nigh. But it wasn’t. It never was.
I thought loving someone so much was bound to bring me happiness. I thought – if I can love someone with all the power of my being, the universe must help me be with this person. But it didn’t.
And I never believed in eternal love. Or marriage. Or being faithful until you die. But I believed in you. And I wanted to accept that this might just be it.
And my heart broke into a million pieces every time you left. And every time you looked the other way. And every time you took a breath thousands of miles away. But I thought if I could live through that, the end will be a bliss. But it wasn’t.
And I loved everything you said and thought and were. And all that you were and have been and would be. I loved your past, present and future and each secret and each joy and the pain and the doubts. I loved it all and wanted to protect it. But I couldn’t.
And I believed every word and every kiss and every touch and I lingered for so long. But in vain.
And I thought if I gave myself up for another human being, that might be enough, but it never was.
And I hoped and I held onto the dream of you, but it kept slipping through my fingers. I chased it until it disappeared into the morning mist.
And I missed you. So fucking much. For so long I became numb to missing. And never thought I’d have to stand this but I did.
So many happy memories tarnished for eternity. The happy photos you used to look at – obliterated, fake, unreal.
And in the end you don’t remember the good, all you remember is the bitter end.
